Grieving Doesn’t Always Look Like Sadness
Inside Out (2015) was produced by Pixar Animation Studios for Walt Disney Pictures.
Although I don’t remember how many days had passed since Wendy died, I remember the exact moment I first felt angry about losing her. It’s one of those memories that instantly takes you back to that place and time. I can still picture myself sitting on her empty side of the bed. And it was one of those full-body meltdowns — crying, yelling into the air, stomping around like a child.
That anger surprised me because I did not expect it. Then, the next emotions to surface were guilt and shame. How could I be angry with her? It wasn’t as if she wanted to die. Suffering through colon cancer isn’t anyone’s choice. She didn’t leave on purpose.
I felt so wrong about feeling angry.
What I eventually discovered through my grief research is that anger is a common response to any kind of loss. People who are grieving often experience anger, even if the emotion feels uncomfortable or surprising. Simply: anger is not only natural, but an expected part of grief.
When I learned this, I gotta tell ya, it was a huge “whew!” because no one wants to think that they are grieving incorrectly. (I’ll put that “incorrectly” in quotes because there is absolutely no wrong or right when it comes to your grief journey.)
Why Anger Can Appear During Grief
Grief is rarely just sadness alone. It is often a complicated blend of emotions that can include confusion, guilt, fear, anxiety, loneliness, and anger.
David Kessler, who co-wrote “On Grief and Grieving” with Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, notes that “Anger is a symptom of fear.” Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor, author of “The Grieving Brain,” explains that grief changes how the brain processes attachment and absence. Because the brain continues expecting the loved one to be present, the emotional confusion created by that mismatch can contribute to frustration and anger.
After all, anger is more than simply a negative emotion—it often reflects a deeper sense that something feels unfair, painful, or out of control. In fact, I have found that the grief journey is a huge reminder of how humans (as much as we try) are not in truly in control. That’s a frightening fact to have to face. So, of course, anger works its way into the process.
During grief, people may direct anger toward different sources, such as:
The person who died (“Why did they leave me?”)
Themselves (“I should have done more.”)
Other people (“Someone should have prevented this.”)
Life, fate or the universe (“Why did this happen?”)
Loss can shake a person’s sense of stability, safety and identity. Anger may emerge as a reaction to that emotional disruption. Sometimes it also acts as a protective layer that masks deeper feelings like sadness, fear or helplessness.
As many mental health experts point out, including anger specialist Dr. Bernard Golden, for some people, anger feels easier to express than vulnerability or heartbreak.
Unresolved or unspoken grief can show up through irritability, frustration or emotional outbursts—especially in cultures or environments where people are discouraged from openly discussing loss.
Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief-Related Anger
It’s important to acknowledge that anger, in this context, is not a sign that someone is grieving incorrectly. It is often evidence that the person is struggling to adapt to profound change and pain.
Recognizing and accepting anger is an important first step. It is OK to feel angry, even if the reason behind the emotion is unclear. Helpful coping strategies may include:
Writing down your thoughts. Journaling can help organize emotions and slow racing thoughts, making difficult feelings easier to process.
Talking to someone you trust. Sharing your emotions with a friend, loved one or therapist can help uncover and release what is beneath the anger.
Staying physically active. Activities such as walking, exercise or yoga can reduce emotional tension and help regulate stress.
Seeking community support. Grief support groups can provide reassurance, understanding and validation from others with similar experiences.
Feeling angry after a loss does not make someone weak, selfish or irrational. It is a deeply human response to upheaval and emotional suffering. Allowing space for those emotions—rather than suppressing them—can help people gradually move toward healing and acceptance.