How Unprocessed Grief Can Show Up in Everyday Life
During Wendy’s chemo treatments, there were days when she only had the energy to sit in bed watching videos on the laptop. Together, we watched the first two seasons of “Ted Lasso.” (She passed away before the third season began.) Now that the show is returning, it made me think about how Jason Sudeikis’ character handled his grief. His "nice guy" persona was a defense mechanism against his father's suicide. As the storyline progressed and he began with therapy, his journey of grief was not portrayed as "bad" in the sense of moral failure, but rather as an unhealthy, avoidant, and human process where he was suppressing trauma and using toxic positivity.
Just because grief is a universal human experience, it doesn’t make it easy to manage. For some people, it’s a process they can gradually work through. For others, it lingers beneath the surface, unspoken and unresolved, shaping how they feel, think, and behave.
It’s been my experience that when you don’t name your grief, when you don’t sit with it, and you push away the pain without processing it, well, it will eventually find an outlet. Then, it can instead appear in many different forms. It may show up physically, emotionally, and/or behaviorally.
How Grief Can Surface in Unexpected Ways
Yes, there are the Ted Lassos of the world, but here are some other common ways it may also show up in your grief journey or for others:
Irritability and anger
Unprocessed grief can lead to heightened frustration. Irritability and anger may be directed inward, toward others, or at the circumstances surrounding the loss. People may find themselves overreacting to small inconveniences or feeling unusually short-tempered or reactive in daily interactions. Sometimes grief is redirected onto unrelated situations; for example, a person might blame others in ways that don’t quite match the situation.
Sudden emotional reactions
Crying, sadness, or emotional overwhelm that seems to come out of nowhere or over things that don’t seem to warrant it. These responses may be triggered by subtle reminders or even unrelated events. Mood swings, shifting quickly from sadness to anger to numbness, can also occur.
Depression and anxiety
When grief persists over time without being processed, it can deepen into more serious mental health challenges. This may include ongoing sadness, a sense of hopelessness, difficulty finding motivation, or constant worry. In some cases, people become preoccupied with what they’ve lost, making it difficult to move forward or engage fully in life. The American Psychiatric Association highlights that unresolved grief can significantly impair daily functioning and quality of life. Talking to a doctor, therapist, or grief expert is vital for addressing these on-going emotions.
Pulling away from others
Withdrawal is very common. Grieving people may start avoiding social situations, distancing themselves from loved ones, or losing interest in activities they once enjoyed. While this can feel protective, it often increases feelings of loneliness and can intensify emotional distress over time.
Turning to substances
To cope with overwhelming emotions, some individuals may rely more heavily on alcohol or drugs. While this can offer temporary relief, it often creates additional challenges, including dependency and greater emotional instability.
Engaging in risky behavior
Grief can sometimes drive people toward impulsive or self-destructive choices, such as reckless driving or unsafe relationships. These actions may stem from a desire to escape emotional pain or regain a sense of control.
Physical symptoms
Grief doesn’t just affect the mind. As Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor addresses in “The Grieving Body: How the Stress of Loss Can Be an Opportunity for Healing,” grief can take a toll on the body. Headaches, stomach issues, chronic pain, or other unexplained health concerns can sometimes be linked to unresolved emotional stress.
Changes in eating and sleep patterns
Early in grief, stress hormones can disrupt appetite and sleep. Over time, if grief remains unprocessed, these disruptions may persist. Some people may lose interest in food, while others may overeat for comfort. Sleep issues—whether insomnia or excessive sleeping—can also continue, further affecting overall wellbeing.
Strained relationships
Unresolved grief can create tension in relationships. Miscommunication, emotional distance, and increased conflict may arise, making it harder to stay connected to others or feel understood.
Difficulty focusing and reduced productivity
Grief can make it hard to concentrate or stay organized. Tasks that once felt manageable may become overwhelming, leading to missed deadlines, incomplete work, or disengagement in school or professional settings.
Increased absences
The emotional and physical weight of grief can also lead to more frequent absences from work or school. Missing important responsibilities can create additional stress and may impact confidence and self-esteem.
Why All This Matters
Grief is deeply personal, and no two experiences look exactly the same. Still, just like Glenn Close’s character in “Fatal Attraction,” grief will find ways to shout: “I will not be ignored!”
After a profound loss, it will reshape itself. Noticing how it may be showing up is an important first step because if you don’t, it can turn out to be more disruptive than the original pain.
Find support—from friends, family, professionals, or support groups—and process grief. I’m here to tell you, it’s not easy, but when you do, you can begin moving toward healing.
This information has been adapted from guidance provided by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), American Psychiatric Association, Mayo Clinic and the Journal of Family Psychology.
Learn more:
“Ted Lasso” – Seasons 1-3: https://tv.apple.com/us/show/ted-lasso/
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