The Often Overlooked Layer of Grief
Grief is like an onion: lots of layers, and yes, it can make you cry. When people think about grief, sadness is usually the emotion that comes to mind first. However, it’s anxiety that can quietly become one of the most intense and disruptive parts of loss.
In her book, “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief,” Claire Bidwell Smith explains that anxiety is not separate from grief—it is a core part of it. Loss forces us to confront uncertainty, mortality, and our lack of control, all of which naturally trigger anxious thoughts and physical responses.
After someone dies, the world can suddenly feel unpredictable and unsafe. The sense of stability you once relied on may feel shaken, leaving you hyper-aware of everything that could go wrong. Worries about the future or fears of losing someone else can become constant companions. While these reactions are deeply human, they can also be overwhelming if left unacknowledged.
How Anxiety Shows Up in Grief
Anxiety doesn’t look the same for everyone, but there are common patterns many people experience:
A persistent sense of restlessness or feeling “on edge”
Fatigue that doesn’t seem to improve with rest
Trouble focusing or staying present
Irritability or emotional sensitivity
Physical discomfort like headaches, muscle tension, or stomach issues
Difficulty managing racing thoughts or constant worry
Sleep disruptions, including trouble falling or staying asleep
For some, grief-related anxiety escalates into panic attacks—sudden, intense episodes that can feel frightening and disorienting. These moments may include:
Rapid or pounding heartbeat
Sweating or chills
Shaking or tingling sensations
Chest tightness or discomfort
A sense of impending doom
Feeling detached or out of control
Physical symptoms like dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, and exhaustion are also common. These are not “just in your head”—they are your body responding to perceived threat.
Why Grief Triggers Anxiety
Grief doesn’t just take away a person—it can take away your sense of safety. In “A Grief Observed,” C.S. Lewis wrote about his experience of bereavement following the death of his wife, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times, it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting.”
According to Claire Bidwell Smith, a significant number of grieving individuals experience anxiety so intense that it mimics medical emergencies, sometimes leading them to seek urgent care. This underscores just how physical and real grief-related anxiety can be.
Finding Ways to Cope
The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety entirely—it’s to understand it and learn how to move through it.
Start by acknowledging what’s happening. Anxiety during grief is not a personal failing; it’s your nervous system trying to protect you in a world that suddenly feels uncertain.
Let your emotions exist without judgment. Suppressing fear or worry often intensifies it. Naming what you’re feeling can actually reduce its grip.
Focus on what remains within your control. When everything feels unstable, small, intentional actions can help restore a sense of grounding.
Here are some supportive practices:
Care for your body: Nourishment, movement, and rest are essential for emotional resilience.
Create structure: Simple routines can bring a sense of predictability back into your day.
Use calming techniques: Breathing exercises, meditation, or gentle movement like yoga can help regulate your nervous system.
Express what you’re holding inside: Journaling, art, or physical activity can provide an outlet for emotions that feel stuck.
Lean on others: Talking with trusted people—or joining a grief group—can reduce the isolation that often fuels anxiety.
Consider professional support: Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a structured, short-term, goal-oriented psychotherapy that helps identify and challege unhelpful patterns, can help you reframe anxious thoughts and build coping tools tailored to grief.
Remember, grief is rarely neat or predictable. It doesn’t follow a straight line, and it doesn’t limit itself to sadness. Anxiety is a natural response and one that reflects how deeply we care, how much we’ve lost, and how uncertain the world can feel afterward. With awareness, support, and compassionate coping strategies, it’s possible to navigate that anxiety and gradually find moments of steadiness again.
Read More
Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief by Claire Bidwell Smith
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis