The Healing Power of Gratitude
Gratitude and grief may seem like opposites, but they can exist side by side. While grief acknowledges what has been lost, gratitude helps us recognize what was gained through the relationship, experience, or time we shared.
During the first month of our relationship, Wendy traveled to a conference in Baltimore, leaving me alone with our dog, Dolly. After dropping her at the airport, I stopped at a local store for dog food and noticed a pillow that read, "I feel lucky every day I'm with you." It was the only one there on the endcap, and the sentiment captured something I had never experienced before meeting Wendy. I bought it on impulse. For years, it sat on her beloved Marcel Breuer Wassily Chair in the living room. Wendy treasured that iconic piece of Bauhaus furniture, and over time that simple pillow became nearly as precious to us as the rings on our fingers.
Not a day went by when we did not say something aloud in appreciation for our luck. We were deeply grateful for each other.
Even during Wendy's battle with Stage 4 colon cancer, gratitude found its way to the surface.
Just two weeks after her diagnosis, I sat awake in the dark, watching her sleep. Pain often made breathing difficult, and I needed to watch and ensure she was OK. The room was lit only by the glow of my laptop as I wrote to friends:
“‘With all I have experienced in my own life, the power of gratitude stands above everything else.’ - Thich Nhat Hanh
There's been so much dragging us down over these last 15 days…there’s been so much loss in such a short amount of time. However, we had a good visit with her oncologist yesterday…”
I went on to note other things I was grateful for in that moment, including those who’d generously contributed to our GoFundMe account; the warm weather in Long Beach while the rest of the country was pounded with cold, snow, and ice; and the Hot Pot our neighbor’s loaned us so I could make a soup for Wendy.
Gratitude didn’t erase the pain or the anticipatory grief at the time. But even in the darkest moments, I recognized there was still love, kindness, beauty, and connection.
Finding moments of gratitude after her death was also vital to my healing during grief. Research has shown that gratitude can improve emotional well-being, helping people build resilience during life's most difficult challenges.
It allows us to honor the love, memories, and meaning that remain. Gratitude shifts our focus, even briefly, from the absence of someone or something to the lasting impact they had on our lives.
Practicing gratitude during grief supports emotional healing by creating moments of balance. While grief often pulls our attention toward sadness, regret, and unanswered questions, gratitude provides a counterweight, reminding us of acts of kindness, treasured memories, and the people who continue to support us.
Perhaps most importantly, gratitude helps transform the relationship we have with our loss. I found that instead of focusing solely on the pain of Wendy’s absence, I began to appreciate the gifts that she brought into my life and the lives of all those people she loved, including her mom, colleagues, and students in her class. I treasure the lessons she taught us all, and the laughter and love she gave during the short time she was on this planet.
Through the tears, I’ve also found ways to say, “Thank you.”
After Wendy’s death, I packed that pillow away believing all my luck had run out. Like anyone else who has had a most profound loss, I must remember that touching back on that luck and finding gratitude today becomes an act of remembrance, helping grief evolve from a wound into a lasting connection that continues to provide comfort and meaning in something that can the most painful and confusing time of one’s life.
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